The Sacred Pause

1/03/22, howling wind, late night, erin

I am flipping the last few dishes around. Breeny tolerated his CPT tonight, Nora took an extra long time settling down with Evelyn. Evelyn is her elephant pal. They’ve been together since GrandGodmother GG peeked that grey trunk around the doorway of postpartum on Nora’s first earth morning wakeup.

I pause even when I don’t have a chance.

One of my friends laughed after the last couple blogs, as though she could actually see my handwriting slowly sloping down the page. Dozzzzing on down my thought trains.

Yes, we are exhausted. More exhausted than undergrad, when I rowed with the crew team. (When I could fall asleep for a 90 second nap on a sidewalk if I had a reliable friend to time me and wake me back up!)

More exhausted than high school, when we were certain we knew better how humans should spend our time. We stayed up late playing high notes on wind instruments underneath supportive family members’ bedrooms. We tried to wake early to finish other assignments before (or during) homeroom.

We are more exhausted than pregnant Erins, who slept legendarily at every turn.

This sleeplessness is frightful.

Pause a moment. I pause, because my friend got the worst possible diagnosis. But I think she was so busy with her family, she mayn’t have had a moment to grieve the horror of it.

I’m on a kick: Allow myself to grieve the small losses. Pause before rushing into the counting of blessings. the it “could have been worse”.

There is snow, and in the snow I find a sacred pause.

I find a sacred pause when all four of us are starting our day together in one room.

I pause and I remember a hundred things the medical community warned us to avoid. You don’t want a premature rupture, but then if -you really don’t want to get an infection or go into labor, but then if- you really don’t want your fluid levels to drop below__- but then if, you should really hope to make it past 24 weeks, but then if- you should by all means expect the following comorbidities 1–17. but then, no matter what, you really REALLY do not want your baby to get nec.

I am

once again

asleep.

But I paused! And I said thank you, thank you, thank you for this community.